At this point, I’m confident you’ve already picked up many a man skill from our savvy guy guides and The Mansplainer’s mansplanations. But upgrading your handsomeness, circumnavigating social snafus and dealing with matters of the heart are really cakewalks when your survival is threatened.
Case in point: facing off a wild boar that has strayed into the neck of your woods.
It is indeed a sobering and frightening reminder to be revisiting and redefining man skills. Here’s to the following 9 we should be leveling up, and to men’s Evolution 2.0.
- Ironing Your Shirt
You should be smart enough to know it reflects poorly to go out looking like preserved vegetables. So let us play Mum and tell you your first order of business is to check the shirt’s care label – if the shirt means anything to you at all. Confirm the right heat setting and adjust your iron accordingly. Then, drape the shirt (make sure it’s all unbuttoned) over the ironing board and use the iron’s in-built mister to moisten the fabric.
Get pressing. Start with the sleeves and cuffs. Work your way in to the front, back and collar (the right position: popped up and laid flat). Your ironing technique shouldn’t just be a plain glide-over; you should be gliding over while pressing out the crease.
(First-timer tip: Put pressure using your wrist, not your whole arm.)
- Knowing How To Talk Your Way Out Of a Pickle
Incredibly useful for the times you spot a traffic warden homing in on your coupon-less car.
- Execute a Fireman’s Carry
What to do, you have to hoist a fallen Bro from the club to the taxi stand. Go put your #LegsDay to good use and squat him up with his dead weight resting across your shoulders.
You should look like you’re about to execute an F-5.
- Cook a Steak That’s Actually Edible
You really don’t need Ramsay-level expertise. In fact, you might even equal him (that’s a big ‘might’) just by massaging kosher salt and ground pepper into your ribeye or striploin, and then dipping it into an oiled pan to cook for 3 to 5 minutes (medium rare) on either side.
Remove from pan and let it rest in a foil wrapper for 5 minutes before serving. Easy enough for you, Masterchef?
- Placate a Crying Baby
Baby loves you = Everybody loves you. That’s provided you can relieve him of whatever that’s bothering him. Assuming that crapping his diapers is ruled out, try picking him up and hold him with his abdomen gently pressed against your clavicle. Stroke his back. Serenade him with your best hit. If your vocals tend to cause distress at karaoke nights, maybe stream it on your phone and shush him instead.
- Complimenting Her Without Making Her Run
#ICYMI: Negging is so last decade. A real man says what he means and means what he says. And contrary to what you think, one of the biggest forms of compliment you could give is your ability to listen, observe and retain information, rather than your actual dialogue; it’s hard for her not to feel extra special when you remember insignificant shit like how she abhors parsley in her soup noodles.
- Defending Against Unruly Hooligans
We’re usually not preachers of violence here (never the smart move). But let’s say you unintentionally rubbed someone – or someones – the wrong way, and you know you’re one klutz of a runner, perhaps the best defense is to run straight into danger and punch the biggest dude in the teeth.
The stooges should back down in awe of your bravado. If not, well, at least your heroics (read: misaligned, toothless face) will be hailed and recounted for years to come.
- Battling Scary AF House Pests – Flying Roaches, Lizards, Giant Killer Moths
Roll up a newspaper, man the fuck up, and go to war. Remember, our ancestors used to fight woolly mammoths with wooden spears.
(Pro life tip: Never not have Baygon within arm’s reach.)
- Fending Off Wild Boars
Whether you’re planning to Bear Grylls your way out of it, pole vault over its charge, or run like your life depends on it (it kinda does), common consensus is to never let the damn swine tackle you to the ground and make you its siew yoke (roast pork).