A Timeline Of ‘WTF’ Men’s Underwear Sightings.
2009: In the final months of my National Service, I spied a platoon buffoon prancing about outside his bunk in oversized comic strip boxers.
2012: I bought my first pair of Calvins and it dawned on me just how un-doable I looked in those skivvies pre-CK.
2014: A uni mate brings her new BF to a gathering. I took to the gents halfway, and found him there. Two exposed patches of pale butt cheeks stare back at me through tattered underwear.
December 2015: At a company Christmas party, a tipsy ex-colleague ‘fessed up that his Mum still buys him underwear. The man is 37 years old.
December 2015: An uncomfortable silence later, I told him that shit should’ve stopped when he was old enough to first discover the joys of masturbation.
The naked truth? Men do not take their underwear – the crotch’s immediate point of contact and the basic building block of male sexiness – seriously enough. Let’s get serious on the debrief.
Types Of Underwear
Make all the ‘tighty-whities’ jokes you want, I’m still fully behind briefs because: a) Nobody said you have to get ‘em in white, b) It remains a classic without bells and whistles.
2. Boxer Briefs
A mash-up of the two underwear extremes. Someone on the team remarked it reminded him of compression shorts for long-distance running.
3. Hipster Trunks
The in-between of briefs and boxer briefs.
Why anyone would wear it and have his flappy bird, well, flap around is beyond me. Unless you’re one of those Bros who’s dead serious about jacking up the quality of sperms.
Just joshing. Nobody, including yourself, should be seeing you in this monstrosity.
All The Underwear Must-Knows
You can’t try them on like T-shirts. Neither can you beg for an exchange. But it doesn’t have to be a gamble.
- Bring Out The Measuring Tape
Not for your inches. God knows how much your waist has ballooned since your last purchase. Get an update before shopping so you can identify yourself correctly on the size label.
- Trust The Trusted Brands
Never buy fast fashion. It pays to go with an underwear specialist for quality assurance. At their stores, they’d have staff with a trained eye to double-confirm the right size for you.
But like T-shirts, you’d want it snug. Form-fitting. Waist hugging. Too tight, you’d strangle your dick; too loose, you’d lose support.
- Firm Support
Imagine having a bra’s ergonomics, but for your ball sack. When your junk is comfortably held up you won’t feel the compulsive need to adjust it through your jeans.
- Stretchy Stretchy
Cotton with a lil’ mix of elastane hits the sweet spot.
I’m all for solid coloured classics and the designer band. But if you want to go for stripes to visually enhance your package – by all means.
An afterthought: Underwear with amazing fit, comfort and support should also be able to suppress an erection, yet reveal enough dick silhouette to tease your other half.