It’s heartening to see fresh reports and market researches pointing towards men’s grooming products as the fastest seller in the beauty industry today. It seems that men are finally taking action after we made public our adage, ‘If you fail to groom, you’re groomed to fail’.
What’s not so heartening is the fact that we had to write this article, which means it is telling of how we’re still observing many men who are stubbornly lackadaisical about their stray hairs, body odour and assne (ass acne) – a glaring oversight that makes you instant fodder for ridicule.
Hot on the heels of 11 Fashion Disasters In Singapore That Should Be Made Illegal, this is the sequel that sums up all the DGAF ways guys here are living in their own grooming filth.
1. Long AF Fingernails & Toenails
Contrary to what your superstitious Uncle told you, nail lengths that could give unfurled measuring tapes a run for their money does not equal luck. Or a clever biological tool to unearth stubborn balls of booger and ear wax.
It equals animalistic hygiene, as well as contemptible grooming habits that devalue you as a man.
2. Ridged, Chewed Up Nails
One, you’d be ingesting all that nasty bacteria accumulated underneath those nails. Two, you’d be communicating to keen observers (read: your Tinder date) you’re a man-child who doesn’t give two hoots about the finer details. There you have it, two solid reasons to save the gnawing for lunch.
3. Cactus Chin
If you’re not able to grow out a proper semblance of a five o’ clock shadow, the most sensible thing you can do for the bottom half of your mug is to keep it handsomely clean shaven. Hey, look at that – you even took a few years off your age!
4. Swamp Balls
Usually happens after a workout or errand-running in devilish climate. Comes with a lot of unpleasant squishiness and an itch you want to scratch badly, but can’t because public peeps might think you’re trying to pleasure yourself in public.
5. Peeking Nose Hair
Is that an overgrown bougainvillaea or are you just due for a nose trimmer? Yes, nose trimmers do exist and they can be bought at your nearest electronics/home appliance store for less than S$40.
6. Peeking Ear Hair
Don’t be playing by ear for this one.
7. Shimmery Face
There’s that analogy about being an oily person. Even if you really are one, you could at least not hint at your bad intentions by tackling your greasy complexion with this handy guide.
8. Buddha Earlobes
We seriously fail to see the wisdom in lodging a fridge magnet sized ear stud to keep the lobes hanging down to the shoulder blades. Why, just why?
Some things are not meant to be together. Get yourself to a barber or a dedicated grooming boutique and get rid of the bush in between. We’ll be the first to say it: eyebrows on fleek, bruh!
10. Radioactive B.O.
Does it hurt to take a fucking shower and put on some cologne?
11. Overly Bushy Pits
It smells like the pits of hell, too.
12. Bad Breath
Nothing a stick of breath mint can’t solve.
Left unattended, it hurts like a bitch when you sit, and it makes your ass cheeks look fugly during the times you have to get naked.
14. Toe Jam
Your hopelessness at wielding the nail clipper has resulted in an ingrown nail situation. The sides of your big toe are swollen with infection ooze that, oddly, resembles a raspberry Danish. You’re forced to wear open-toed footwear to avoid aggravating the ailment, but at the same time, nobody wants their breakfast appetite ruined at the sight of it.
Next time, don’t even put yourself in such a bloody position. Be smart and trim straight across – that’s how you prevent your toenail from stabbing the inner flesh, and nail the art of clipper mastery.