Since a very young age, I’ve been a voracious swimmer. I pride myself on being able to hold my breath for long periods of time. I’m volunteering this seemingly irrelevant piece of information because the first time I went down on a guy, I remember it sucked. It sucked because it stank bad. Picture yourself closing your face in to a moss pit that, incidentally, smelled like stale Mac & Cheese with a side of digested pizza from dinner earlier. The latter was from me throwing up a little in my mouth.

I was totally thrown off my game. When I couldn’t bring myself to go on any longer, I had to make up an excuse about a recurring struggle with locked jaws. I wasn’t sure if he bought the jig, but I’ve to say, he was nice about the whole thing and would later sneak me out of his flat. See ya, bye. Never saw Swamp Balls again.

That stench, it isn’t normal, right? It shouldn’t be. The point is, that episode alone put me under the impression that guys don’t show enough TLC for their dick terrain. It’s a disappointing and embarrassing final-stage self-cockblock. On a fundamental level, it’s just bad hygiene all around. You gentlemen are highly intelligent, educated, and live in a first world city that happens to also be the cleanest. Your nether region should reflect that!

But hey, what do I know about penises. Under the half-guise of a writing job and “asking for my other half”, I checked in with a friend of a doctor friend off the record and sought his counsel on the technicalities and frequency of penis cleansing.

The first thing I learned? Bad odours is just the tip of the iceberg of hygiene problems.   


Why penis sanitisation is a bigger deal than you think

I’ve said it above, and I’ll say it again. In a dumbed down version. It doesn’t matter if your girl is giving you suction or not. Unchecked hygiene is a no-go, period. Even if you were to take a quick shower before sex, you’re not exactly addressing the root issue.

You need to do it for your own sake. You’ll have to learn to clean it better and do it everyday to get rid of this thing called Smegma.

Wtf is Smegma?

Glad you asked. It’s the yellowish buildup of oil, dirt, bacteria, dried semen and miscellaneous debris under your foreskin. That’s right, whatever that’s going on on your face (minus the dried semen, unless…) is happening under your dick hood too.

Ever felt that mysterious itch that annoys you from the inside rather than on the exterior surface of your manhood? That’s the smegma working its foul magic on the underside of your tip if left unwashed. And if you still refuse to do any Marie Kondo-ing over a long enough period of time, it may spark redness, infection and pain instead of joy.

Does that mean I have to waste more time in the shower? No thanks.

I know you guys have been trained to shower ‘efficiently’ since your army days. Number one, I assume you’re no longer in the army. Thus, you can spare two minutes to do this at the end of your daily shower routine: gently drag back your foreskin until the whole of your penis tip is exposed. Skip this if you’re a circumsised Bro.

Soap up the area around the tip (try massaging it with your fingertips to dislodge stubborn smegma), without neglecting nooks and crannies like the crevices around your ball sack, the ball sack itself, your shaft and your assicle (the area between your testicles and ass). All that’s left to do is jet spray and wash everything off and watch a smegma-free penis stand tall.


What NOT to do, according to the doctor:

  • The body skin is not as delicate compared to your face or your junk. You can afford to use your regular body wash on it, but think twice when it comes to your delicate bits. Look out for milder options with low alcohol and fragrance content.
  • Avoid using deodorant, powder or cologne to ‘freshen’ up your private parts.
  • If you experience any kind of pain that’s convincing you that something’s wrong, put off the DIY cleansing for now, get dressed, and see a GP.

What you can do as a bonus, according to me:

  • Trim your clump of pubic hair. They’re partly responsible for your penis stank.
  • Also, I’m not sure if girls enjoy eating those curly ticklers when going downtown.

Watsons, S$21.90

Guardian, S$10.50

WhatHeWants, S$58.50