I’d love to be rich. Crazy, dizzyingly rich. Everybody does. I don’t need Kevin Kwan’s international bestseller Crazy, Rich Asians to remind me of my lofty ambitions, nor do I need Crazy, Rich Asians the movie – what promises to be a Hollywood bastardised rendition of Singaporean representation – to do the same.
I say that now, but I’m probably going to be one of the first in line to get tickets to the show anyway. Gold Class, no less. Is there any other way to get into the spirit of the story as a Crazy Want-To-Look-Rich Asian? As both a huge fan of the trilogy and an unapologetic cynic, I need to go see it for myself so I can irritate people and possibly deliver spoilers with a “I told you so, the movies usually suck.”
Without a doubt, I’m not the only one. Singaporeans would flock to the theatres once the movie premieres and it would shoot straight to number one on the local box office. Singapore Tourism Board and the gahmen are going to jizz in their pants when the camera pans over Marina Bay Sands and the Supertree Grove – it’s the first time Singapore is going to be so prominently featured in a Hollywood production. (Is it the first time? I’d like to think so.)
OK, if there’s something I do know, you’re going to come out of the cinema feeling a surge of motivation to break out of your plebeian HDB existence, and into your own kind of Tyersall Park. Who could blame you? Then you’d want to fly private on Embraer, and settle for Singapore Airline’s business class at worst. You’d actually think about shopping the real Gucci at Paragon, not the cheap imitations at Bangkok you’re so used to getting.
You’d entertain fantasies of Singapore’s hottest, cattiest and silicon-est socialites fighting tooth and nail to bear you an offspring.
But slow down, cowboy. Out of Hollywood fiction and into non-fiction Singapore, the truth is you’re not going to become a Prince Harry of Asia. A Prince Hairy, maybe, but not Harry. And you don’t need to. You’re probably already rich enough without knowing. But in case you’re dead set about upgrading your First World Problems to Rich People Problems, you could always try becoming a me for starters: a Crazy Want-To-Look-Rich Asian.
Below the trailer below, you’ll find savvy steps and mechanisms on how to con-vince others you’re a man of (literal) value. What to do, you need to impress people who don’t matter. In no time, people who don’t matter can start impressing you for a change.
1. Wear Black
Henry Golding’s character Nicholas Young appears in a white suit a lot. Sure, you’d give off serious rich guy vibes. But do you really want to look like a wedding singer, if not a guy who isn’t dealing with enough laundry problems at home?
Let’s look into the trailer’s first minute. You’d also see a lot of Young in a dark, monochromatic suit. That’s it. Dark and monochromatic. Now take this colour scheme and apply it to both your formal and casual wear. The best thing about blacking out your outfit is how you can still strut about like a poised gent with a very healthy bank balance, even though you’ve stupidly spilled curry sauce on yourself while eating a 6-piece nugget meal at McDonald’s.
2. A Gentle Reminder About Your Fit
I once spoke to a very rich business owner in the education sector. She told me that the even richer people in her own network are a very down-to-Earth, frugal and… normal bunch. They don’t look like they care if their clothes are falling apart at the seams, let alone whether they’re well fitted or not.
But your goal is not to appear penniless. No self-respecting man should.
3. Why Don’t You Already Own a Tailored Suit?
Believe me, it won’t cost you an arm and leg. Some people have actually given an arm and leg to be rich. With so many homegrown, millennial-ish, and sartorially enlightened suitmakers who are more eager than the Seriously Man team to dress you to the nines without the atelier pricing, I’d like to ask once more: why are you still suit-less?
A well-tailored suit is probably the quickest and surest way to re-engineer people’s perception of you as a forgettable Asian guy who has to think twice about splurging S$12 on an acai bowl.
4. “My Yacht Is My Second Home”
Equipment check: Linen shirt, tasselled loafers, badass shades, chill-as-hell Fedora.
5. Find Your Style Uniform
To those who know me, why do you think I’m always in a (handsomely fitting) black Tee and jeans? To those who don’t, yes, I’m always in a (handsomely fitting) black Tee and jeans.
Don’t worry about how you have to repeat your signature look everyday and then have someone call you out on it. Tell the loser you really don’t have the luxury of time to pick out clothes in the morning. Every second lost is net worth lost.
6. Be a ‘Man of the Hour’
Speaking of time, your Daniel Wellington is going to be nothing short of an embarrassment in a moneyed world of Rolexes and Patek Philippes. Neither do you have the capital to play the game of watch snobbery. What’s a Crazy Broke Asian to do, then?
Get a broken watch. No, seriously. Thank your lucky stars that this is the latest, respectable thing in men’s fashion.
7. Are You a Phone-y?
According to this report, owning an iPhone is an indication of being high #SES. It doesn’t matter whether you’re Team Apple or not. It’s a matter of how power-packed your smartphone’s camera is, so you can take high-def pictures and videos of your high-rolling lifestyle for your IGTV channel.
It’s hard to get discerning followers buying into your shiny new Gatsby-ish image if your social media material is grainy and shit.
8. Namedrop Your ‘Personal Stylist’ (Even If It Was a S$10 Express Cut)
“Nice haircut!” – Colleague
“Why, thanks. It’s my personal stylist. Don’t you have a personal stylist? What do you mean you don’t have one? Everyone has a personal stylist!” – You
9. Mind Your (body) Language
Learn to pull your shoulders back and walk tall. Don’t be a slump-dog millionaire.
10. Just Look Like You’ve Got Your Shit Together
When in doubt.