We’re settling nicely into November. That can only mean one thing: beards are out in full force. Men across the globe are growing their facial hair out for Movember, in an attempt to shed light on men’s issues including prostate and testicular cancer.

Speaking of testicles and all things phallus-y, #Movember doesn’t mean you should also grow out your nether region into a dank, mossy pit. In this case, the carpet need not and should not match the drapes. We’re not in the 1900s anymore. And you don’t have to survey your girlfriend, we’re way ahead of you: Maxim once revealed that women prefer your junk cleaned up a lil’.  

However, if you’d rather not spend money at the waxing salon and decide to DIY, there is a proper way to go about it. You better pay close attention provided you don’t want to snip any inches off in a freak accident.

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The Upside

  • Forced perspective will magically add an inch or two, if you feel you don’t ‘measure up’.

  • No spider web situation when you don that skimpy pair of swim trunks. Then again, perhaps re-evaluate that skimpy pair of swim trunks.

  • Less dirt and sweat trapped in between.

The Downside

  • It’s more hygienic to leave some pubes. Pubes do serve a purpose of reducing bacteria count and abrasions.

  • If clean shaven, you look like a prepubescent boy. Read that again and consider if that’s really what you’re going for.

  • The potential cuts and itches… Ouch.

Equipment Check

  • Trimming scissors
  • Electric trimmer (Optional)
  • Clean razor (swap the old blade out for a new)
  • Shaving cream
  • Aftershave care

Seriously Man On Grooming Your Delicate Jewels

#1 Do it in the shower

In the name of efficiency, we’re all about shaving (ha, ha, ha) off time. Showering helps open up pores to ease the manscaping. Plus, your skin becomes softer and makes it smoother for the razor to glide along. Under no circumstance should you go at it while your groin or balls skin’s rough and dry.

Picture yourself continuously adjusting your junk in public due to discomfort. Yeah, no.

#2: Hacking down the thicket

You have your trimming scissors in hand and are ready to go downtown. Questions remain. Like…

  • How short do I go?
  • Do I use the scissors all the way, or the razor?
  • Will my girlfriend / wife / future Tinder dates get a nasty surprise at my bald dick?

First things first, we need you to compartmentalise this into two sections: hair around your dick, and hair on your balls. For the former, trim down to an equivalent of a buzz cut. Or a five o’ clock shadow. Healthline has quite the tip for this: using a comb, glide it down your pubes and snip off only the hair sticking out above the comb’s teeth. This ensures you leave something behind and you have a barrier against cuts.

As for your balls, we recommend shaving ‘em instead. A pair of scissors round the sack can be rather threatening and you shouldn’t trust your trembling hands. Now lather up the shaving cream, apply.

Remember to lift up your shaft for a better view of where you’re going.

#3: Post deforestation care

It does NOT end at trimming. Give your manhood the full attention it deserves. Use an aftershave balm or moisturiser to keep that area smooth and fresh. You’d want to avoid scaring yourself when your groin breaks out in red, irritable, STD-like patches.  

Nivea Post Shave Balm for Men Sensitive, S$9.90 (Qoo10)

Fresh Balls Lotion The Solution for Men, approx. S$16.50 (Amazon)

Vaseline Total Moisture Aloe Fresh Body Lotion, S$8.95 (Watsons)

Gentlemen’s Tonic Soothing After Shave Balm, S$49.90 (Lazada Singapore)

What To Do If You Fuck Up With Bleeding Balls

Honestly, if it’s bad enough for you to be asking, go to the nearest A&E stat.

Best of luck, gents.