Hello fellas. My name is J., and welcome to The Mansplainer column. This is where I step out of my Gucci’s to put myself in your shoes, and then try to outwit life’s greatest conundrums known to men. Keyword being ‘try’, because unlike bad advice columns out there, I don’t pretend to be a wanker of a know-it-all.
This week, a leaky gentleman asks if it’s socially acceptable for guys to chat with their schlongs out at the urinal.
Q: Hey guys, so I wanted to ask whether it is normal for guys to chat when they are peeing next to each other at the urinal. Some of my friends seem pretty damn comfortable with it, but I find it really awkward. It’s so difficult ‘to go’ when there are already people pissing next to me, let alone when they want to have a conversation. What do you guys think? – Bryan O.
You are not alone, lots of other guys feel that way too. Being at the urinal with your junk out, while your mates give the side glance to size up your manhood, is a real test of confidence.
Whether it feels weird or not, many men would just get strung along with urinal talk when engaged. Out of courtesy, it is rude to ‘blue tick’ the initiator in person (not that it is excusable online).
But let me mansplain something to you, brother; I have never been much of a urinal conversationalist. It is unnatural, it is unnecessary, and it tenses up my penile muscles. I can’t get the fulfillment of a smooth urinary movement, like I’m having constipation over at the front. That’s why I always take the first urinal at the farthest corner whenever I can, or the cubicle if the latter is occupied.
I suppose it boils down to the fact that we fear being judged – judged over our most sensitive bits, at that! Can’t a man get a little privacy on his privates? However, as I’m writing this column for Seriously Man, I was reminded that being The Man involves being courageous and thick-skinned enough to hustle through difficult situations.
So I intentionally got myself sandwiched at center urinals. I invited friends and colleagues to discuss politics and the weather. I even went a step further to look them in their eyes as my piss streamed out. Slowly but surely, things got less awkward. It started to feel fine answering my pals while answering nature’s call.
On the one hand, it could be the age old mantra of something becoming second nature after substantial practice. On the other, I might have stumbled upon a urinal hack: as long as you maintain strong eye contact and keep yourself present in the conversation, the other party would be compelled to do the same. He knows that you’d know if he were checking your junk out. And now that you know he knows he’ll be put in a similarly awkward position, you can effectively divert your subconscious mind from the pressures of people’s judgement and stay engaged in whatever issues that you guys are critically analysing.
With that said, it is very possible to be medically cleared of urinary constipation whenever urinal talk comes up. Practise, practise, practise, Bryan – and talk, talk, talk!