Hello fellas. My name is J., and I am The Mansplainer. Welcome to the debut of my column. This is where I step out of my Gucci’s to put myself in your shoes, and then try to outwit life’s greatest conundrums known to men. Keyword being ‘try’, because unlike crappy advice columns out there, I don’t pretend to be a wanker of a know-it-all.
This week, a frazzled gentleman writes in about his recent Tinder date.
Q: Hi Mansplainer. I came to know about you on the Seriously Man Instagram story, so here I am, writing in. I know it’s a little late to get your take, but I was out on a Tinder date last weekend and I bumped into an ex-girlfriend at the cafe. We ended things 6 months back. It was awkward as hell, man, and I just froze up. Our eyes met for a millisecond when we passed each other by, but she didn’t acknowledge my existence. After that, my head was obviously no longer in the game. I didn’t mention anything to my Tinder date, and I made up an excuse to leave as soon as I could.
Did I do the right thing by pretending nothing happened? I know it’s a rare chance this will happen again, but how do I handle such an unexpected situation in case lightning does strike twice? – Paul N.
Let me mansplain something to you, brother. I noticed you asked if this was the ‘right’ thing to do. I’m not sure if there’s a right or wrong in this situation, unless you were blatantly being a dick by seating yourself next to your ex’s table to show off your new arm candy. Dealing with exes is never not complicated – I know it, trust – and you were just reacting out of instinct to avoid potential conflict or confrontation. I wouldn’t call it a ‘right’ thing as much as it is a good thing.
Assuming that it wasn’t an amicable split, can you imagine your ex storming up to your table to make a scene in public, and then finding yourself the new social media sensation the next day? That would’ve been a Doomsday scenario where you’d wish you could flake out of existence like the heroes in Avengers: Infinity War!
With us guys being creatures of logic, you crave a textbook solution. You crave for the right move. So let’s indulge you and weigh your options carefully.
There are really two ways this could’ve played out. One, it’s whatever it was that you did – feigning ignorance and praying hard nothing trips up. Two, you PR your way out of this shit by actually addressing your ex pre-emptively, and possibly introducing your new lady friend – undisputedly a high-risk maneuver that only the pros should attempt.
The payoff? The two of them hitting off and becoming fast friends, and you might even be in the running for a threesome. Of course, I’m trolling here (or am I?). Because if there’s anything I know about women, it’s that they’re all secretly jealous of each other. In other words, in reality, you’d be opening a can of worms.
What’s a man like you to do if lightning strikes twice, you say? I would do what you did – and then some. Your Tinder date had taken the time out to powder her cheeks, preen before the mirror, and meet you for a coffee date. If you respect her time and effort, you’d at least be a little more upfront about what’s really going on.
Tell her that out of sheer dumb luck, a person you used to date is right here under the same roof and it’s making you uncomfortable. You need to slip out the back door to buy lottery and go somewhere further. A really cool chick who’s worth your time would appreciate your honesty and see the humour in it, and be on board with a change of venue to salvage the date.
Otherwise, what’s the big deal, Paul? You’ll live to swipe another day.
But before you go on a swiping spree, you might want to consider confronting your unresolved issues with your ex. I would hazard a guess that you guys did not get proper closure. Otherwise, you wouldn’t have been caught with your panties in a bunch, and that certainly does not feel good, or right, for you.
In that case, I’m hoping your Tinder date was a Catfish. Because if she was a total babe, like way more than your ex-lover, the closure might end with you being murdered in cold blood by a vengeful ex.
Got bouts of troubles keeping you up at night, and don’t know how to deal? The Mansplainer may not have the magic solution, but a little mansplanation goes a long way. Write in to firstname.lastname@example.org and have your burning questions answered in the following weeks – if they are important enough, that is.