Last weekend, it hit me just how grossly comfortable I’ve gotten in front of my girlfriend. ‘Grossly’ being an apt word, for I had openly dislodged a piece of booger that was distressing me with nasal irritation and breathing difficulty.
I’ll be the first to admit, I’m only human. Despite being both an advocate and practitioner of the Seriously Man way of life, I’m still being called out on my occasional impulse to perform Disgusting Guy Things, things that would cause nearby diners to throw up a little in their mouths.
The problem is, while I was certainly mindful enough to be on my best hygienic self on our first date (over messy burgers, at that), I can’t say the same for other guys.
You name the place. On the MRT commute. At the bus stop. Inside of trendy cafes with young good lookers. At the queue of the bakery where I always get my mid-afternoon snack (you’d best not be flicking any shit onto my tray of doughnuts, bro). I have seen the literal gold diggers pick away at their facial orifices unabashedly, among other Disgusting Guy Things.
If these guys have no problem doing so under the glare of the public eye, they’d probably have no problem doing so on their first dates. And they wonder why they get mercilessly ghosted.
So before you embark on your next date, you might want to first embark on a path to eradicate these subconscious turn offs, which really starts with conscious awareness 24/7. Then, when your relationship hits the two year mark and things get real chill, try to do better than me and keep your Disgusting Guy Things on the DL. Because there exist clever tricks to conceal them when the urge hits.
I’m still not convinced that a girl would be entirely OK with you unleashing noxious farts in her face no matter how long you guys have been together.
1. Nose picking
Boogers may be your allies against harmful environmental junk. But you won’t be winning her over anytime with your green goo coated fingertip.
The fix: Frequent picking may cause infection or bleeding of the nasal wall. You’d do well to ask her for a tissue or steal a bunch of serviettes from the restaurant. Give it a few gentle blows. Have it slide out a little more so you don’t have to go that deep in to extract it.
2. Ear picking
Quit using your little finger as a Q-tip to scratch the itch. There’s nothing Q-ute about that.
The fix: See your neighbourhood GP and get an ear solution. Unlike your eargasmic fingering, it can reach deep into the canals to soften the wax. Let it roll out naturally. The itch should come less frequently.
3. Nail chewing
We’ve been through this here.
The fix: We’ve also been through this here.
4. Spitting as you talk
She wants to see an eloquent man, not a sialoquent one.
The fix: Slow down your speech and enunciate each word purposefully, rather than to gloss over your entire thought process. Better yet, say nothing and turn on the eye contact.
5. Fiddling with a festering zit
The worst part is bursting it semi-intentionally and having your pus catapult onto her.
The fix: Speaking of concealing Disgusting Guy Things cleverly, dab some of these before you go out and then leave it the fuck alone for the rest of the day.
6. Digging out the veg between your teeth
The reason why you need a man bag is so that you can haul grooming essentials to the outside world. Like a roll of dental floss.
The fix: Wound the thread around your middle fingers, make sure there’s a bit of tautness, push it down into the gaps gently and floss in a U-motion until you completely get the food trap out.
Just in case there’s lingering miscommunication, you’re not doing this in front of her.
7. Letting out a good rip
Now that’s one way to fart up the date.
The fix: Loud farts usually happen over snap releases, AKA lack of control. You can silence one by first holding it in and then releasing it slowly. If it is a stink bomb, give the nearest asshole your best disapproving look.
8. Beastial burping
It’s hard to contain something as involuntary as this, I know. Anticipation and damage control is key here, especially if you have a nasty burp that could scare a wild boar.
The fix: Immediately jerk your head in the other direction and don’t let it gurgle longer than necessary. Feign a look of embarrassment and remember to say ‘Excuse me’.